The Rev. Dr. Clay Smith: Losing it

It happens more often now than it used to. My wife and I will be talking about someone, and I can't remember his or her name. Usually, it is some person I have known for a long time but I don't see regularly. After a few minutes, their name pops up in my memory. I guess my memory processor runs a little slower these days.

I can't find the remotes for one of our TVs. I have looked in all the familiar places. I am certain I put it someplace and told myself, "Remember where you put this." We are still searching the house.

Yes, I am one of those people who from time to time looks for their keys while the keys are in my hand. When this happens, I feel very stupid and a little bit frightened. A fearful thought runs through my mind: "Do I have Alzheimer's?"

This is a real fear for me. When my mother turned 70, she began to have some strange behaviors. It started small; she ran a stop sign, hit another car and bumped her head on the windshield. She checked out OK, but she began to repeat herself. Soon my conversations with her were so predictable that I could recite her lines. We had to take her car keys away from her, over her protests.

She went to see several doctors. My stepfather chose not to go in to hear the doctor's assessments, perhaps as a way of continuing his own denial. When I called Mama to ask how the appointments went, the response was always the same, "Well, he said I don't have Alzheimer's." Now, I am pretty sure we were not getting the whole story.

She forgot how to cook and increasingly lived in the past. At one point, she reconnected with an old friend from high school, and they made plans to run away together. He, too, had Alzheimer's, was on oxygen and had a cane. It hurt my stepfather, but he could no longer stay in denial.

Mama got to the point she could not walk or bathe herself. We brought in help to care for her. Years before she made us promise not to put her in a nursing home. We promised. It was an expensive promise to keep. Mama wound up bed-bound, requiring someone to stay around the clock. By this point, my stepfather needed help, too. My childhood home became a nursing facility.

Mama lost her ability to communicate. During my visits, I would read her Bible stories, like she had read to me when I was a child. I sang hymns and told her I loved her. I would try to tell stories of the old days. Sometimes, a tear would roll down her cheeks. I hoped that was a sign that somewhere inside the shell of her body, my mother still remained.

Pop passed away in 2010. Mama lingered two more years before passing away, having suffered from Alzheimer's for 17 years. She had really left us 10 years before her body quit.

According to the National Institutes of Health, memory loss is a normal part of aging. Dementia is not. Just because you forget something doesn't mean you are losing it. It doesn't mean you have dementia.

I know some people struggle with the idea of aging and not being as cognitively present as they once were. This can lead to depression or anxiety, which tends to make the problem worse. I'm no expert, but I know people who withdrew from life because they were afraid they would make a mistake or call someone by the wrong name. I've also known people who became so anxious about losing it, they made their memory problems worse.

If you are struggling with memory, write yourself notes. Exercise. Claim the wisdom you gained by living through multiple decades and share it. If it is something more serious, check with your doctor. And if you get a diagnosis you don't like, don't give up. Your family needs you. Some family members need time to realize you are no longer super-dad or super-mom. Others need a chance to care for you. It can be a spiritual time for you - realizing you are dependent on the grace of your Heavenly Father, no matter how independent you thought you were. God will be present in your mind and soul in ways you cannot share with the outside world.

As my mother went through this journey, I found myself praying for her peace. In Philippians, Paul says, "The peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." I may not have been able to communicate with Mama, but God's peace could guard her heart and mind.

The promise for all of us to hold is this: No matter how forgetful we become, God never forgets us. Isaiah 49:15 says, "Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you." Even if your Mama forgets you, God never forgets you. He knows you and walks with you always.

When you forget, pray that God will help you remember. He might even help you find the missing remote.

The Rev. Clay Smith is the lead pastor of Alice Drive Baptist Church in Sumter.